Chapter 4 --- Poems from Unicornicus Flagellum

THE POEM OF LIFE - UNICORNICUS FLAGELLUM (1234)


What does life mean? I seriously have no idea
I've spent my whole life reading comics and eating cheese
And I seriously have no idea.
How can somebody discover the answer?
Is it as simple as 2+2 = 22?
Wait... It's 5 not 22... duh
Yea, hes been going through some rough times lately...
Yea, hes been going through some rough times lately...

Wait.... its actually 4. I think I lost my credibility as an author.
I asked a wise old man this question once.
And I was touched...
By his wisdom (perverts!)
He told me that the only way to find the answer was to look inside yourself
I tried that and I'm only just beginning to recover from re-constructive surgery


WHY I WRITE? - UNICORNICUS FLAGELLUM (1534)

People always tell me "John, why do you write poems when you don't have opposable thumbs?"
And first I respond with, "What the fuck, my name is Unicornicus"
Then they laugh for 3.34524 minutes and I tell them this answer:
Because my parents kicked me out of the forest in 1111 and they told me to be strong and never grab men
I failed within three minutes.
But I write because I was inspired by a small children
When he told me, "Holy shit! Mom, save me!"
I was so inspired by his words that I danced in a circle until I was taken into custody
Then I made bail, but was later charged as being a pedophile...
Oh shit! You meant how did I become a writer...
I have no idea, I just write whilst being high with my jail mates.

UNICORN RAPE... I MEAN RAP -
UNICORNICUS FLAGELLUM (1377)

Unicorns are cool yea they are the best
It is because of them, that I owned my test
Unicorns are misunderstood, they really are
Blah blah blah blah blah blah bar
Unicorns rock they really do
In fact I had my name changed to Unicornicus just so I could be like the unicorns that I admire and respect whole heartedly too
I'm a fat old man some people say
I retaliate, well at least I'm not gay
They dont know that I'm lying to them
I really like men a lot.
Women are cool too though.
Unicorns rule though.
And know the token rap verse that doesnt make any sense
But helps to gain a small percentage of the urban market
Hey baby I can see that you are crazy crazy
I like unicorns they make me fuzzy fuzzy
Thats how they do it in the pop music industry
Something about a thong and 2009 bitches thats just how we be
Unicorns rulz!