CHAPTER 1: Ideas Introduced by Kent Coleslaw:

Introduction- In order to fully grasp the deeper concepts discussed in this book, we must first discus the ideas discovered by Kent Coleslaw. Through his hard work, the distinguished Doctor / Professor set the groundwork for greater philosophical discovery. He posed the difficult questions, such as, "If a tree falls in the forest, and there's only one man around to hear it, but the tree falls on that man and kills him, does the man dying make a sound?" Although this question seems ridiculous and unfounded, if one digs deeper into the question (as we do) you will discover its true meaning. We seek to ask, "What is the deeper meaning?" In this introduction we recognize the achievements of Kent Coleslaw, but we also feel that he only scratched the surface of great philosophy. He posed the questions for us to answer. In this book we seek to pose the questions AND answer them.

Dedication
- I would like to dedicate this book to God, Vishnu, Yaweh, Allah, and every other deity ever to come into existence for their inspiration, support, and overall apathy to the human race. Secondly, I dedicate the book to my grandchildren for stealing a time machine to go back in time and artificially inseminating my mother so that I could be alive today. Albus dedicates this book to the cows of Wisconsin for providing us with tasty milk that we drink and for being happier than California cows (contrary to popular belief). Also, the peanut-butter sandwich I had last night is worthy of great recognition for being really good.

Antidedication- We antidedicate Hitler for making rectangular mustaches really unpopular.

"What are hats and how are they made?"
To answer this question, we must begin at the beginning of time. In the very beginning, there were no hats and people were very afraid of the souls of the dead ninja-zombies and their ability to invade people's stomachs through their heads and give them nausea, stomach aches, and REALLY bad gas. Fortunately a savior arrived around 700 BCE. Named the Mad Hatter by many of his contemporaries this savior was the first to invent and make a hat. The original hat was simply a string tied around the head and was not very effective at warding off ninja-zombie-ghosts. Later Mad Hatter realized that if he wove together many pieces of string he could make a comprehensive head covering which completely stopped the dead ninja-zombies in their tracks. Quick Note: modifications to the Mad Hatter hat model were made to include garlic sprayed on the hat to ward off ninja-zombies that were also bitten by vampires. Many critics stated that ninja-zombies do not exist, but that they were a figment of Mad Hatters imagination. in retaliation he yelled, "GUMMY JELLY FISH!" which in the historical context makes much sense. The technique of making hats that has been passed down from generation to generation includes sacrificing twenty ants by sun magnification, sewing together of string to form a head covering, followed by the rain dance. We do not know why the first and third steps exist but people still carry them out and it has still stopped the stomach problems caused by ninja-zombies. As we can see, hats are quite useful in fighting stomach problems, and have been created by an innovative, bold man.

"If a tree falls in the forest and there's only one man around to hear it but the tree falls on that man, does the man dying make a sound?"
In order to understand the true meaning, we must venture back 5000 years when Yu-Gi-Oh and Kaiba had an epic duel that changed the course of our universe. Before that duel, man was attuned to hearing all the sounds of nature but after Blue Eyes White Dragon and XYZ Robo-Cannon were done gang-raping Yu-Gi-Oh, things changed. A forest is a place where Jamaican ex-cons gather to traffic their drugs to the Urban Slums of Greenland, and as you know Jamaicans speak a very broken English dialect and therefore forests (being affiliated with the Jamaicans) dont speak english. These two stories bring together a central concept. If a tree falls in the forest, it sounds like a Jamaican Yu-Gi-Oh getting gang-raped while trying to traffic drugs. Most of you who watch reality television are used to hearing this noise and therefore dont notice. But here comes the variable, you see men have a reproductive organ known as the vaginal-penis-rod which creates a burst of sound similar to Susan Boyle singing so once again people dont notice. There is the answer, but we at MUUU seek to dig deeper so I went on wookiepedia.com and searched 'asian dog sex' to amuse myself... and turned up more results including a very useful equation.You see when searching 'asian dog porn' I found another Kent Coleslaw video about the mainstream media and I discovered its true use which to rob people of free thought and trick them into liking George Bush, and this is where the equation comes in (George Bush = Tree Falling on person) and due to the mainstream media and this equation we have begun to like the concept of trees falling and other tortures like listening to Justin Bieber sing or Ali Savay speak. These things [tortures] inspired a small group of Middle Easterns to become terrorists and destroy the world. Conclusion: Tree Falling on Man = Terrorism therefore terrorism also makes no sound making it harder for the government to track.

"Why does God choose to be friends with Kent? What does this relationship tell us about the Universe?"
God wants to be friends with Kent for the simple reason that he has no other friends. The God we speak of, of course, is the monotheistic God, and as explained by Kent Coleslaw, he claims that there are no other gods, but there are, they just don't like "God" God. So, with no Godly friends to hang out with, God went to the next holiest of beings (holy hierarchy should be in your West Civ notes), which were the demigods, such as the Singing Black Ladies from Hercules and that fat demon and his skinny demon friend. At the sight of God, they were of course awed by his presence, but when they started talking him, they realized thta he was too annoying. Next, he went to look for some heros, but they had all died from the H1N1 Virus (Hero 1 Nemisis 1). The only thing left that wasn't completely savage, were the humans. So, going against what he normally did, God listened to the prayers of his people. There were so many that his brain overloaded and he instead just listened to one person, Kent Coleslaw. Kent was a janitor who was praying for a raise when God appeared. He was so thankful that God granted his wish that they are roomates to this day. What this tells us about the universe is that Fod was bored because he had no friends so he decided to create the universe and everything so it is actually because of his lack of social skills that we exist and we should thank the other gods for not hanging out with him as well as God himself. The Moral of the Story: respect God but if he tries to talk to you in person, just walk away, you may end up being responsible for the creation of another universe.

"Who keeps making all these Martin Lawrence films!?! Big Momma's House 2!?! 2!?! What the fu..."
The answer remains a mystery because the true film-maker disguises him/herself quite well, however, scientistificators at the University of Idaho at Boise Community Federal Institute of Technological and Moral Advancement for Those Less and More Fortunate than the Average Being College have a few theories based on DNA evidence. The first theory is that a homosexual mormon from Utah known as Mittens is responsible for thses movies because of his fetish for men dressing up as obese black women. This is the most likely offender and he has been taken into custody for further questioning. The second option is that Martin Lawrence is responsible fo the producing and distributing of these bizzare films as an attempt to jump start his career as a fat black woman (because it has always been his dream). The third option is that it is Osama bin Laden, who has kidnapped Martin Lawrence and is using him to pass along subliminal messages to the US government. All in all, these options are being analyzed by the Professors at UIBCFITMATLMFABC and we should know who is responsible within the week.
*BREAKING NEWS*
The UIBCFITMATLMFABC has discovered the offender. Martin Lawrence'shamster (actually a transfiguration of Osama bin Laden) named Mittens (coincidence? I think not!) was responsible when he filmed Martin in the shower when dressed as an obese black female!!!

"If we are all inter-connected and share the same essence, then why cant I have sex with my friends sister without him getting mad? Cause shes hot... I want to get in that..."
Dear Kent,
You see the reason you can't have sex with your friend's sister despite the fact that she is hot, is a quite complicated one. But us philosophers at MUUU (Mysterious Universal University of the Universe) have discovered an answer. You see, since we are all one, we are actually one person whose name is still unknown. This person, as we can see, jerks off a lot. This can be seen in our world by a plethora of sex, violence, and drug abuse. So technically, this universal person (UP) is high, self-destructive, and extremely addicted to masturbation. Your friend is simply the part of UP that is tired of spanking his monkey and wants the rate of self pleasure to decrease. In this concern he feels that stopping you from having sex with his sister will make the UP less horny and possibly devote his life to stamp collecting. We realize that your friend's sister is hot and you desire to penetrate her, but in abstaining from doing this, you are helping to realize your friend's vision of a universal interest in stamp collection. It is vital that you DO NOT have sex with her or else we may NEVER be able to collect stamps again.
Love,
MUUU